We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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