No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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