i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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