Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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