3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
