He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
