its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
We named our party play list daddy issues
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
