I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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