i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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