doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
