So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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