just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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