I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
