She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
