): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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