everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
