I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
