Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
ttyl tear gas
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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