Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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