If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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