Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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