Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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