Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
