I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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