I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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