We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Pooping to opera.
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