We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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