Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
