Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
