No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize