I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
