So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
