While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
