Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
