he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
