pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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