So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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