I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
