I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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