he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
