If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
