I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
