Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
