i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
