I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
