So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
