I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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