I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
