girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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