sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Randomize
