my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she peed on how many people?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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