You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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