TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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