And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
