a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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