I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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